


Holding My Thoughts In My Heart

by aerith_in_hyrule



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Closeted Character, Drunk Sex, M/M, Mutual Pining, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, One Night Stands, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Teen Angst, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-07 01:01:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18862555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aerith_in_hyrule/pseuds/aerith_in_hyrule
Summary: An adolescent Cloud cannot come to terms with his desires in the face of self-loathing and peer pressure. Then he meets Zack who changes everything. (Modern AU set in Midgar)





	1. Sunday

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Final Fantasy VII fanfic and I have just been writing it for my own leisure, deciding to post it here and fanfiction.net in case someone would like to read it.  
> This is a work in progress, I don't know if I am going to write it to completion but I have been writing it on a daily basis. Hope you enjoy it :)

“Stay with me tonight?” Cloud requested; with any luck he’d guilt trip the man into changing his mind about him after all.

“Give me a reason to stay, Cloud,” he muttered, with little sympathy in his voice.

It was at that moment that Cloud knew, that there was no way to mend what was already beyond repair.

 

* * *

 

 

**Sunday**

 

Cloud spends his days playing video games and his nights going out onto the town. He likes keeping a steady routine. Benefits of living in a big city? No one questions his age when he goes into nightclubs nor does anyone care; he is particularly fond of his sixteen-year-old self for the choices that he makes.

School isn’t on his list of priorities and he rarely makes an effort, there is no one there to care or pay attention; he likes it that way. He doesn’t have plans for life post-graduation and as a matter of fact, he lives on a day-to-day basis; it gives him a sense of closure.

Having lived in Midgar his whole life has toughened his skin and has certainly made him immune to certain emotions, including the death of his mother. He should have felt sad, he should have mourned and grieved: but he didn’t. Instead, at the age of fourteen, he began partaking in self-destruction, it made him feel alive.

His father was never home, Cloud liked it that way, it gave him the liberty to live life the way he wanted it. The death of his mother certainly tore the house apart but Cloud knew better than to let that get to him.

 

“Seventh heaven tonight, Cloud?”

Tifa was the only person he could afford to be close to, having grown up together and having developed a similar attitude towards school has made them a lot closer in adolescence. The 7th Heaven was their go-to place for unlimited drinks and all-night-long raves.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” he smirked.

 

“Fizzing Ether shots, and keep them coming!” Tifa loved her shots, Cloud wasn’t one to object, and they both found something new to open up about every night so he could hardly complain. Any alcohol going into his bloodstream was good alcohol.

Three shots down. “Do you think I’m pretty?”

“You’re beautiful, Tifa.”

Five shots down. “What do you like about me?”

“I like your eyes.”

Seven shots down. “That’s so cheesy.”

 Cloud loved Tifa for how truly amazing of a friend she has always been to him but he knew that he couldn’t give her what she wanted. She’d bring this up at least once every week, usually a Sunday night, it’d always end with her getting hurt that he didn’t return her feelings. The exchange was pointless, every single week, she’d get so drunk that she’d forget this ever happened in the first place. Why hasn’t he walked out on her yet?

Ten shots down. “You’ve never asked me out,” she stated with a hint of hesitation under her breath which Cloud detected.

“Tifa, we’re not like that,” this wasn’t routine and he was getting agitated. He really did not want to witness the end of this exchange.

Twelve shots down. “You haven’t had a shot yet.”

“I have to go,” and with that, he left the 7th Heaven, he left Tifa alone at the bar and made for the closest bench he could find.

This wasn’t something he thought he’d ever have to do, ditch Tifa, but he just couldn’t force himself to witness her break down and get upset over the fact that he just couldn’t see her that way. It was even more unexpected for him to not have a drink; something wasn’t quite right and he knew that, but it was something which he did not want to admit to, it’d make it realer than it should be.

“Fuck this,” he whimpered. _Why couldn’t things be simpler than this_? The realisation which he had made was that he was selfish and his egoistical nature drove people away. A subconscious by-product of his mother’s passing, one which he didn’t like admitting to but he was so eager to change. _Perhaps, if I wasn’t so self-centred, then maybe…_ “No,” he couldn’t even bring himself to imagine having feelings for Tifa, it simply wasn’t there.

He needed coffee. He needed it black and within the next ten minutes; or he’d probably end up doing something regrettable. He always does.

 _Barret’s Café_ wasn’t his go-to coffee shop, he’s never been there before. He didn’t like things going off-the-rails and out of routine but this night was bad enough.

It was cosy enough; the place was so tiny you’d never think to turn it into a coffee shop. There were no wooden chairs to accompany the wooden tables but there were beanbags and couches instead. It was cute, perhaps a bit too cute for Cloud’s liking; it was certainly something Tifa would like, though. _Stop thinking about her._

“A customer! Hi!” the barista beamed a bit too enthusiastically. “Oh, uh, sorry. Even though we’re open 24/7, I’m not exactly used to seeing people here this late.” He definitely noticed Cloud’s discomfort at the enthusiasm in his voice.

“Black without sugar, please,” Cloud requested.

“One coming right up, take a seat, I’ll bring it over to you once it’s ready.”

There weren’t that many seats to pick from, ten at most. Cloud opted for a beanbag seat at the window so that he could watch the dawn break through, eventually. It was one of life’s simple pleasures, and he wasn’t embarrassed to admit that he enjoyed it, truly.

The barista approached him, hands trembling and the liquid swaying from side-to-side inside the porcelain mug. “I am so sorry about this, it’s my first week on the job, see.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Cloud murmured, keeping his eyes on the window and avoiding viewing the barista. The last thing he needed right now was to get caught at three in the morning, underage, wandering the streets of Midgar. He’d never forgive himself for getting caught.

“You seem a bit down, do you want to talk about it?” he politely inquired. “I mean, I’d get it if you don’t but, uh, it’s always better out than in, you know?”

 _What am I supposed to say now?_ A battle was raging within his mind about whether or not to treat this barista kindly or to just be, well, Cloud. _Screw this._

“Yeah, I guess,” Cloud groaned, folding his arms over his chest. _Don’t look._ He continued looking out of the window as the young man sat on the opposite side of the table, his beanbag making a loud _whoosh_ as if no one has sat on it for a long time.

“So, let’s begin the therapy session,” the young barista joked in a lowered voice. Cloud hated the word ‘therapy’. He simply couldn’t stand it. All it did was remind him of his mother’s death and his father compelling him to seek help. Cloud simply _detested_ the thought of his family.

“I’m just having a rubbish night,” Cloud exhaled. “You know, the stereotypical guy stands girls up in favour of being alone?” If he was going to be nice to this guy, he might as well improvise without sharing his life story.

“Yeah, I mean, I totally get it. Sometimes people don’t click, there’s always going to be someone else and I’m sure she’ll understand,” his attempt at being helpful failed as far as Cloud’s body language was concerned but that did not prevent him from continuing on. “You’re still so young, give yourself time to discover yourself.” _Discover yourself, yeah right._ Cloud pondered. As if he’d ever get to the bottom of what he was truly feeling. Was that even possible? He let out a cackle.

“Hey, uh, if you don’t want to talk then that’s fine, really. I’ll get back to doing my, uh, barista stuff,” he resumed, getting up from the beanbag effortlessly. Cloud watched him as he rose. The barista wasn’t as young as his sense of humour made him out to be. He had faint wrinkles on his forehead and the bags under his eyes looked strained. That did not deduct from his general appearance, though. His black hair was unkempt and it displayed no sign of a recent haircut. This, however, did not deduct from his appearance, either. Cloud couldn’t help but notice the shape of his body and the depth of his blue eyes; he admired the work that this man has clearly put into his physique over the years. _Stop it._ He was no longer looking at the barista but at the sky, as it was turning from a deep navy blue to a vibrant plum. In a matter of minutes, now, it would start showing pink and auburn.

Cloud rose from his own beanbag and made his way for the front door before a voice from behind startled him.

“I’m Zack by the way, I hope you’ll come again, emotional baggage or not,” he glinted jokingly. Cloud gave him a miniscule, hesitant grin and exited the shop.


	2. Monday

**Monday**

 

Cloud only made it to school in the morning to avoid Tifa visiting him. That is something that he didn’t want to endure but he wasn’t quite sure for how long he could avoid her. It wasn’t easy, fitting into his classroom after his attendance dropped below 32%, but he was willing to make it work, as long as he didn’t have to see Tifa. He was aware that his selfishness would only make matters worse in the end, but learning from mistakes simply wasn’t something he could do.

“Strife, Cloud. Absent” his teacher mumbled under her breath as she progressed through the register; automatically ticking Cloud off as absent.

“I’m here,” Cloud jolted his arm into the air.

The woman looked up from the register, bewildered, fixing her glasses and inspecting the masculine voice that she hasn’t heard in a rather long while. “My mistake.”

His teacher wasn’t the only person bewildered by Cloud’s presence. Most of the class started whispering between each other and the commotion hasn’t gone unnoticed by Cloud, who began feeling slightly uncomfortable. Fortunately for him, class didn’t drag on as much as he’d expected and to his own amazement, he thoroughly enjoyed the lesson on enzyme inhibition. _I might actually start showing up more._

The school day ended up being better than Cloud expected and certainly not as dull as he remembered it being in the past. He spent his breakfast and lunch breaks reading over missed topics from biology and chemistry; taking a keener interest in the sciences than he remembered. Nevertheless, by the end of the school day he was mentally exhausted and decided that he needed to unwind; without Tifa around. _I could go back to Barret’s Café._ He thought. _Would Zack be on shift right now?_ He pondered, before quickly realising where his mind was wandering and he stopped himself from any further thinking.

 

Before he could overthink his choices any further, he stumbled into _Barret’s Café_ and, as empty as the early morning, he took the window seat and breathed out a sigh of relief; no Zack around. _Why did I remember his name?_

“I had a feeling you’d be back,” _shit,_ he thought to himself, anxiety building up in his body and his breathing becoming slightly erratic. _Get yourself out._

“Yeah,” was all he could utter, without giving away the tension building up in his body.

“Black without sugar if I remember correctly, from last night?” Zack grinned, looking directly at Cloud as the boy put all of his effort into maintaining his cool.

“That’s right.”

Cloud began fiddling his fingers and clenching his toes, doing everything he could to control his emotions. _Why am I feeling this way?_

Before Cloud got the chance to cool himself down, he heard the familiar _whoosh_ and upon opening his eyes, he was faced by the same barista from last night, déjà vu. He couldn’t help but give the man a minor smile and mumbled a “thank you” under his breath.

Zack’s gaze focused on Cloud’s school bag prompted him to question the boy further, “are you studying at Midgar Uni?” averting his gaze back at Cloud and giving him a reassuring smile.

“You could say that,” he replied, with a slight tinge to his tone, his eyes fixated on the cup of coffee in front of him.

“That’s awesome! I applied when I graduated from school but never got in. You must be really smart,” the man beamed, grinning at Cloud. “What’s your major?”

 _Think, Cloud, Think!_ “Uh, Science, leaning more towards Biology, though.” _Why am I like this? Why can’t I just tell him the truth._ Cloud was a compulsive liar and he didn’t quite know how to tone it down a notch.

“So, Mr Science, do you want to grab a drink later tonight?” Zack asked, not a hint of hesitation in his voice. The man’s confidence amazed Cloud greatly.

“You don’t even know me,” was all Cloud could articulate, he wanted this as much as he didn’t. He didn’t want to make it realer than it actually is.

“That’s why I’m asking, I want to get to know you better,” the man’s smile widened further, Cloud didn’t even think it was possible. _He’s really cute._ Cloud kicked himself really hard under the table. “Are you alright?” Zack proceeded to ask with concern wiping his smile off his face.

“Yeah, sorry, just an accident,” the boy fabricated. It was now or never. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Great, I get off shift at four today, the day and night shifts being so close together can be a bit daunting but the days off in-between are worth the struggle,” Zack beamed once again. “Is the 7th Heaven alright?”.

 _Shit._ “That’d be great,” he replied, hoping with all of his might that Tifa wouldn’t be there, waiting for him at the bar tonight. _Please be in your room, sleeping off your hangover._

“Tifa swung by this morning, where were you?” his dad interrogated him as soon as he stepped foot through the door. He wasn’t supposed to be home; he wasn’t supposed to care about what Cloud did. “Don’t tell me you actually went to school today,” his father continued, inspecting Cloud’s appearance and noticing his schoolbag hanging off his left shoulder.

“I actually did, yeah,” Cloud snapped.

“I’d watch my attitude if I were you, boy,” he definitely did not need a lecture, things were messy enough. “I’m heading out, I’ve put some money out on the countertop for you to get yourself something to eat” and he was out before Cloud could articulate a response.

“Thanks,” he chuckled, picking up the gil and heading to get dressed in his room.

A black shirt or… another black shirt? Did he want to impress, or depress? He’d never admit to the former, it’d just make it real. He’d just wear something simple and not too shabby, after all, he was just going out to have drinks with a friend; absolutely nothing besides that. _I shouldn’t have agreed to this._

 

At the 7th Heaven and two drinks later, Cloud was early, against his better judgement. He has been trying to calm himself down and drown his anxiety in cocktails; he shouldn’t have been feeling the way he did and he didn’t know what to do to himself to make it go away. It wasn’t natural, it wasn’t _normal._

His mind racing from Zack’s face to self-hatred to Zack’s body and then to Tifa the previous night. He has lost control and he didn’t know how to cope. _Did I finally reach the breaking point? Am I finally losing the plot?_

“I really didn’t expect you to show up this early, considering _I_ showed up early,” Zack laughed from behind Cloud. His heart felt like it was beating out of his chest and he didn’t know why. In fact, he did, but he’d never dare think about it. He has never allowed himself to be this close to anyone, apart from Tifa. This was new to him; this was the only explanation he deemed fit for this situation. “I see you’ve already got yourself a drink, I think I’ll have the same.”

Cloud gave him a soft reassuring smile and started sipping his cocktail slowly. Zack looked fantastic and Cloud found himself completely mesmerised by the way in which the lights made Zack’s face look so youthful and so bright. He purely couldn’t avert his gaze away from Zack and by the time he realised that he was looking for a moment too long, he was caught.

“Wouldn’t have guessed that you’re such a lightweight,” Zack snickered. “I am flattered that you can’t keep your eyes off of me but, I still don’t know your name.”

“Cloud,” he slurred, flustered and embarrassed. “My name is Cloud.”

“So, Cloud, care for some more drinks?” and with that, Cloud knew that he was in too deep to back out now. His mind, intoxicated and far away, opened up to Zack almost as if Zack had the key all along and before Cloud even had the chance to notice, two hours have gone by. Two hours of talking to Zack about his interests and his hobbies, those hours melted away in his intoxicated brain, too drunk to notice that he was letting him in way more than he’d ever be comfortable with sober.

They had a lot in common and Zack did more of the talking than Cloud was capable of. By the end of the night, he felt like he knew the man almost as if they’d known each other for years. Zack enlisted with Shinra after he was rejected for university and got as far as being a SOLDIER 2nd class, it explained his muscular physique and weathered face. He decided that there was more to life than working for Shinra and decided to quit and lead a relatively normal life. Cloud was enamoured with the words that were pouring through Zack’s lips and he listened patiently, organising each detail in different drawers of his mind.

“I realised that there’s more to life a bit too late if you ask me, I’m twenty-seven and I no longer have my whole life ahead of me. I don’t even have the same kind of energy or enthusiasm which I used to,” Zack lamented. “Anyway, do you, uh, want to head back to mine? I think you said you liked collecting Materia too, I have lots!”

Cloud was too drunk to object, and his mind was too blurry to care. He wanted nothing more than to spend the night with Zack and he didn’t care about how much he’d hate himself for it the next morning. After all, he lived for the fun, not for the consequences.

 

Zack lived in central Midgar, in an old tenement that reeked of cigarette smoke and condensation but Cloud couldn’t care less. Climbing to the second floor proved to be a bigger challenge than he had expected and he tripped numerous times, prompting Zack to burst out laughing and picking Cloud up effortlessly. Cloud wasn’t sure if he was tripping over because he wanted to feel Zack’s touch or if he was too drunk to coordinate his legs but he found it funny nevertheless.

Upon entering the man’s apartment, Cloud immediately noticed the collection of Materia that Zack had accumulated, lining the shelves in his living room. “Woah, that’s amazing, Zack.”

“You think so? I’ve got more in my room but I’ll understand if you don’t want to go there.”

 _Of course, I want to go there._ “I’d like to see.”

Zack’s room was inexplicably small, the double bed took most of the space in the room with a small wardrobe hugging the wall next to the window yet, as promised, there were shelves on the wall dedicated to Materia which Zack had collected over the years. He had some seriously rare gems in his collection and Cloud’s eyes glimmered at the sight of them.

“You like them? I’ve been collecting for years.”

Before Cloud could think of a reply, he started feeling queasy and that is when he noticed that the back of Zack’s hand was brushing against his own. This wasn’t meant to make Cloud feel the way he did, this was not meant to have the reaction it did on him.

Zack quickly realised that Cloud was unresponsive and pulled his hand away, flustered, he uttered “sorry, this room is really small, I didn’t mean that. We can go back through if you would like that.”

Before he could stop himself from saying something he would so definitely regret later, he stuttered, “I - I liked that.”

Zack’s face rapidly turned from a flustered grin to an intensely lustful expression that Cloud was secretly yearning for. Cloud’s body was overcome with desire and he felt his body shiver as Zack purposefully brushed the back of his hand, once again, against his own.

Before Cloud could stop himself from making any additional regretful decisions that night, Zack caressed his face and held his waist, pulling him in. Cloud felt himself melting away and trying to control his growing erection before Zack could take notice. It was too late though, because as Zack pulled him in closer, his erection rubbed against the man’s thigh. _Fuck_.

“Do you want to do this?”

“Yeah.”

Zack’s lips met Cloud’s and what started off as a gentle kiss swiftly escalated into lustful, sloppy making out as Zack pushed him onto the bed, climbing on top of him without separating their lips, not missing a beat.

Cloud’s hands quickly wandered over the older man’s body until he found his way under his shirt, running his hands over the man’s abdomen and finally resting them on his waist. Zack, in return, started rubbing Cloud’s erection, prompting the boy to moan in pleasure.

“Tell me to stop and I’ll stop,” Zack whispered into his ear, sending shivers down his spine and intensifying his boner. Cloud felt like he wouldn’t last much longer and he really didn’t want to embarrass himself nor did he want to give away that this was his first time and he felt so dirty about this.

Zack began unbuttoning the teen’s jeans and removed the boxers with them, exposing Cloud’s penis, this drove Cloud’s face crimson – no one has ever seen that part of him before. Zack noticed this and stopped to ask, “is everything alright?”

Cloud nodded and continued to keep his breathing under control. He needed Zack, he needed him right there and then, he was waiting for this for too long.

“Is this your first time?” Zack asked with a tinge of worry in his voice.  

“No” he lied.

That was all Zack needed to hear before removing Cloud’s shirt followed by his own garments. Cloud was startled by the size of Zack’s penis, it was much bigger than his own and the man’s throbbing erection made it look even larger, and denser.

“Not used to this big?” Zack smirked, rather proud of his manhood.

Cloud did not respond, instead, he locked lips with the man once again, intensifying both their erections. Feeling the man’s flesh rubbing against his own made him feel like he was going to instantly cum. He didn’t want that; he couldn’t have that happen so fast.

Zack noticed the younger man flinching beneath him, attempting to readjust himself as to not have their penises rub against each other. He knew that Cloud was close. The man proceeded to get up from the bed and reached under the bed, lifting up a tub of what Cloud could only presume to be lubricant. Cloud grew more agitated by the second. _This is really going to hurt; I shouldn’t have lied._

“Are you sure you want this?” Zack asked, waiting for Cloud to give him the green light.

Cloud nodded reassuringly and spread his legs apart, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

 

The morning that followed was rough, Cloud couldn’t name a single part of his body that wasn’t aching and he did not want to delve into last night’s remnant memories just yet. He desperately needed his hangover cure. He opened his eyes hesitantly, allowing the light in as his eyes gradually adjusted to it. The first thing that he noticed was that he wasn’t in his bedroom, and he wasn’t in bed alone.

 _What have you done, Cloud?_ He saw a mop of black hair and tan skin laying beside him, a man, anxiety pulsed through his body and into his stomach. _No._ His breathing became erratic and his head began pounding even harder. _Please no._ Cloud felt disgusted with himself, he needed a drink, or two.

 _Where is my phone? Where are my clothes?_ Upon standing up, his worst fears were confirmed as he gawked at the bottom half of his body – naked. He wanted to cry, he wanted to be with Tifa, he wanted to throw up. He had made mistakes last night, the worst mistakes he’s made thus far.

 _I need to get out._ He began examining the floor for his clothes when they caught his eye, on the other side of the room, beside the sleeping man. _Fuck, why is this happening to me?_

He tiptoed gently around the bed and bent over to pick up his clothes when a sharp, throbbing pain pulsed through his anal cavity – forcing him to lose his balance and land on the floor with a loud _thud_.

With clenched fists and tears in his eyes, he wanted nothing more than to have someone tell him that everything was going to be alright; that he had just made a mistake and that this did not define him.

“Cloud? Is everything okay?” a voice groaned, sleepily from the bed beside which Cloud was knelt. _I don’t even remember his name. Fuck._

“Yeah, I have to go,” was all that he could articulate before he pushed himself through his throbbing pain and out of the room, into an unfamiliar flat. _What am I supposed to do?_

The walk of shame he had to undertake through Midgar in order to get home was particularly unpleasant for many reasons. Firstly, he felt disgusting, he felt filthy and he could feel the repulsion in every set of eyes that focused on him, even briefly. Secondly, his aching body was giving him a particularly difficult time as he made his way through each sector. He couldn’t afford the train, and even if he could, he’d rather not take that risk as his stomach regurgitated last night’s drinks every few minutes. Thirdly, and lastly, he was trying to erase the fact that he had just lost his virginity to a man. He could not bear admitting to himself that the events of last night ever took place. He felt humiliated and he was disgusted with himself.

_This never happened._


	3. Tuesday

**Tuesday**

 

Cloud spent most of his morning in the shower, cleansing himself from last night’s mistake, taking breaks every few minutes to leave the shower and drink his way through bottles of beer. He wasn’t proud of himself and he desperately wanted things to go back to normal. Awaiting Tifa’s knock on the front door was a long and painful process. _What if she doesn’t come?_

He was scrubbing his body aggressively with a sponge when he heard a dull knocking come from downstairs. _Tifa_. He dressed himself instantly in a fresh set of clothes and raced downstairs, she was the remedy he needed, she would make all of this go away. _How am I going to keep this from her?_

“Tifa,” he was delighted to see her standing at his door with her arms folded against her chest. He knew she’d be upset. He knew that she would be furious about the events that took place on Sunday night and he was willing to endure her wrath – as long as it took his mind off of what happened last night.

“Cloud,” she exhaled. “What’s going on?”

“I’m just glad you’re here.”

 

They sat in silence together for a little while, on the couch in the living room. Cloud, fighting back the thoughts in his head and the aching in his body, attempted to kill the silence, which was smothering them both, by telling Tifa she looked marvellous this morning. Tifa loved hearing compliments about her appearance but, this morning was different – something was eating away at her insides and Cloud could passively feel it.

“Cloud, please tell me, what’s going on?” she asked, a hint of desperation in her voice as her eyes locked with his own.

“I’m fine.” He looked away.

“It’s not even midday and you’re drunk, Cloud.” She snapped. “You weren’t in for most of yesterday after you ditched me at 7th Heaven and then you come home at six in the morning.”

Cloud let out an exasperated sigh and closed his eyes, leaning back into the couch. _I want to disappear_. He needed Tifa’s ignorance, he needed her to talk about herself. Everything was derailing, nothing was following routine and it made Cloud furious; she was supposed to be his _constant_. He needed more alcohol.

“I can help you, please, let me in,” she pleaded.

Another sigh escaped Cloud’s lips and his eyes opened. Things couldn’t get worse than this. _I’ll tell her, she can help me get past this_. But he was so ashamed. He was so embarrassed.

“I made a mistake last night,” he began. “I don’t remember what happened prior, my mind’s a haze but, I woke up this morning in a stranger’s bed and-“ he gasped, “I was naked. I must’ve had so much to drink, I can’t remember anything.”

“Oh, Cloud.” she replied, worry in her voice. “We all make mistakes. We can get past this, I’m sure she won’t remember your name by the time she wakes up.” she consoled. He wasn’t feeling better, and he couldn’t find it in himself to correct her.

“I guess you’re right.”

 

It took a considerable amount of convincing but he had managed to successfully get Tifa to go to school with him that day. Despite him being overly intoxicated and in agony over his aching body, he wanted to become a better person – even if it meant showing up to school halfway through the school-day. He wanted to excel, after all, he had his whole life ahead of him. _I’m sure I’ve heard that somewhere._

Halfway through his chemistry lesson, Cloud realised that coming into school drunk might’ve not been the best idea, the chemicals he was working with in the lab required precise measuring and calculation; neither of which he was capable whilst under the influence of alcohol. This hadn’t gone unnoticed by his teacher, who had excused him for the remainder of the lesson and gave him the time he needed to cram in some last-minute revision for his catch-up biology test. He wasn’t sure about how Tifa was handling herself on her first day back in a few weeks but she has always managed to fit in better than Cloud ever could. She was beautiful, she had stunning features that made the boys stare and the girls jealous. Tifa was aware of her desirable attributes yet she never wanted anyone besides Cloud; it had always been Cloud and it brought her so much despair. She could get any other guy, if only she wanted to.

Cloud was pleased with himself when he discovered, at the end of his biology lesson, that he had scored 92% on his paper. “You have a true calling for this science, Strife, I’d be very pleased to see you frequent my class more often.”

He missed the routine of school and homework. _I could get used to this._

It wasn’t long before lunch break commenced and he reunited with Tifa. She returned to being herself again, talking about her own day and leaving little room for Cloud to comment on her activities. He liked it that way; they were both egocentric but Cloud was a listener, Tifa was a talker, they complimented each other. Cloud finally began sobering up and Tifa was very pleased about that; she never brought up what Cloud revealed that morning and just like that, it has left his mind throughout the duration of the school day. The only reminder of last night’s mistake was the dull ache he could feel every time he sat down in his anal cavity, but he did not dare bring attention to it. It never happened.

 

Cloud did not wait for Tifa after school. He was sober and he needed a caffeine fix or he’d break down; the events that took place the previous night were slowly coming back to him and he wasn’t about to let them through into his mind. He had to take control.

He was about to walk into _Jessie’s Cookies_ for his usual americano but it wasn’t open. In fact, it had been undergoing renovation for the past week. How did he forget this? Where has he been going for his fix?

It all started coming back to him, _Barret’s Café,_ the man with the tan and black hair, Zack; the drinks they had at 7th Heaven. He let the memories flood his mind and his mind fixated on the sexual encounter that he had had that night. Cloud did not want to think about it. It was never meant to happen; but he simply couldn’t stop piecing together the events that lead up to it. His mind circling around the memory of Zack’s lips against his own – Zack’s flesh fused with his own- “Stop!” _Why is this happening to me?_

The realisation was that, he hadn’t made a mistake that night. He had wanted it to happen and he lied to get into Zack’s bed. He was selfish and lied to get his way. He had no right to be upset with Zack about taking his virginity, he had no right to be upset with Zack over the fact that he had simply gotten what he subconsciously craved for years. Zack had fulfilled his wildest dreams and his forbidden fantasies. It had only occurred to Cloud that he must have left the man confused and shaken, the manner in which he had grabbed his things and left – without muttering a goodbye. It is always so easy for Cloud to blame everything on alcohol instead of himself, yet he still continues to drink and make the same mistakes. _Where is my wallet?_ Cloud patted himself down and rummaged through his bag, he had not brought his wallet and he didn’t have his fake MIC (Midgar Identification Card) to purchase alcohol – he must have left it at home.

 

Three hours later and most of his room turned up-side-down, Cloud was not any closer to finding his wallet than he was when he first noticed that it was gone. He needed a drink, he needed to stop thinking about Zack and everything related to him. Then it occurred to him – _my wallet is in Zack’s room._ _This cannot be._ Cloud was devastated. His real MIC was in there, too, if Zack looked through it; he’d know that Cloud had lied about everything.   _I have to get to his flat_. _Didn’t he say that he had a day off between each two shifts? Today’s his day off._ Cloud raced downstairs, narrowly missing an awkward encounter with his father, and he ran for central Midgar.

Retracing his walk of shame, it didn’t take him too long to make it to the area in which Zack had presumably lived. Cloud couldn’t be too sure that this was the place, he was so severely intoxicated that he didn’t pay as much attention as he would have liked to.

 _How am I going to retrace my way into his apartment?_ Cloud was growing more and more agitated and anxious by the moment until he eventually started ringing every intercom on the street, desperately ringing and asking, “Zack?” Each time to no avail until he eventually got it right.

“Zack?”

“Yes?” _What am I supposed to say?_ He stood in silence for a few seconds before he gathered enough courage to reintroduce himself to the man.

“It’s-“ he sighed. “It’s Cloud.”

There was no reply from the opposite end of the intercom, only the buzzing of the front door being unlocked.


	4. Tuesday (Continued)

**Tuesday (Continued)**

 

 _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ Cloud’s anxiety escalated with every step he took to get to Zack’s apartment. _I can just turn back and forget that all of this ever happened_. The walk upstairs was lengthy and Cloud ensured that he dragged it on as much as he possibly could; he was dreading the inevitable confrontation that Zack would put him through, he’d rather be anywhere but in this tenement. Before he could change his mind however, he saw that the door to the man’s flat was left slightly ajar, presumably for Cloud’s convenience and ease of access. _This might not be so bad after all._

Cloud knocked on the door gently before pushing it open further, he wanted to at least be polite in this situation, he didn’t want to damage this man’s opinion of him even further than it already presumably has been.

“Come in,” he heard a low voice call from within the apartment. Cloud wanted nothing more than to just go in, collect his wallet and leave – but he knew this wasn’t how things were going to be, things are never simple in his life.

“I left my wallet,” he stated sheepishly, his eyes fixated on the wooden floor, not daring to look up in case his gaze met Zack’s. Cloud’s heart raced as if he just ran a marathon and his hands were drenched in sweat; this was more than he had bargained for, perhaps more than he could handle before an inevitable breakdown. _I need to get out._

“I know.”

_Shit. Shit. Shit. He knows._

“Is there something you’d like to tell me, Cloud?” the question was direct and the disappointment in the man’s tone of voice was unmistakable, sending a gulp down Cloud’s throat aching like shards.

It took another painful gulp and a pair of clenched fists to prompt the boy to reply, his manners haven’t left him just yet, “I’m sorry, Zack. I really am.” Cloud wasn’t an apologiser; he couldn’t care less about those around him but he knew that all of this was his own fault. He had to smooth things over before he left or this’d plague him.

The silence in the room was deafening and the tension between the men grew by the second. Cloud didn’t dare look but he could feel the pain in the man’s expressions; he really hurt him. _Since when do I care about those that I hurt?_

“Cloud,” he let out an exhausted sigh. “What happened last night… it can never happen again and no one can know about this. We could both be in a lot of trouble because of your dishonesty.”

“I don’t need a lecture.”

“Be quiet when you’re spoken to. You – we – need to stop this: this could spell the end of my life and lead you down a path of misguidance.” Zack was furious and Cloud’s mind lingered on every word that the man spat out. He wasn’t prepared for someone to detest him as much as he detests himself – especially not Zack, there was a hint of comfort which he felt when they spoke, a trace of _home._

“You know nothing about me!” Cloud’s mental state has reached its limit and he was falling apart right in front of the man that stole something he valued so much less than twenty-four hours ago. Fighting back tears and digging his nails into the palm of his hands, he snatched his possession from the coffee table and made his way out the way he came but this time, slamming the door shut behind him as he exited the apartment.

 

 _Who does he think he is? What makes him think that he’s allowed to talk to me like that. Fuck him._ Cloud’s mind was flooded with why’s and the disastrous confrontation seemed to be playing on repeat as he drenched his pillows in tears. He hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in far too long and he has never felt this much pain ever before. His aching body hasn’t been able to recover due to his sleeplessness and his mental health was rolling down a downward spiral. The signs were all there and he could no longer brush them off like he grew used to – he needed help and he needed it fast.

 

* * *

 

 

**Zack (Tuesday)**

 

It had been way too long since Zack had had a drinking session as intense as the one which he’d had with Cloud the previous night. The effects of all those cocktails he’d sworn that he’d regret had almost paralysed his muscles and his eyelids felt heavier than his conscious. He could still smell Cloud, that same sweet smell that had infiltrated his nostrils just a few hours ago when he had buried his face in that messy pile of blonde hair to fall asleep.

All he had wanted in that moment was to put his arm around Cloud’s skinny frame and pull him close, make him feel cared for and valued; this wasn’t a one-night-stand – Zack didn’t want it to be. It had been way too long since he’d had someone to hold, someone to wake up next to, someone to care for.

Today was his day off of work, this would be an amazing opportunity to spend some time with the younger man and get to know him, perhaps it could blossom into something bigger. Zack was too preoccupied, thinking of different ways to approach Cloud when they’d both had enough sleep to notice the younger man’s movement on the opposite side of the bed, getting up and stealthily making his way to the other side of the shoebox-sized room.

Zack was going to open his eyes and utter a sleepy “ _good morning sunshine”_ and smile; he was going to make him his favourite americano for breakfast, it would be the beginning of something greater. He wasn’t prepared for what Cloud was going to do. He heard a soft groan; a thud and the sound of fabric being lifted from the ground. _Was this just a one-night-stand?_

“Cloud? Is everything okay?” he asked the younger man sleepily, forcing his eyes ajar, allowing the light to pierce them and forcing them closed once again before he could even look at the blonde-haired man kneeling beside the bed. The pounding of his head skewed his face.

“Yeah, I have to go.”

And he was off. Just like that, what Zack had started developing good feelings about, was gone. Fleeting.

 

Instead of running after the blonde man, enquiring about what was wrong, making sure that he didn’t feel bad – his hangover forced him back asleep. It had been another five hours before he was awake again, feeling significantly better than he did at dawn. Before he got a chance to process the events of the early morning, he swung his arm to embrace Cloud only to be met by an empty space and crumpled sheets. _He’s gone._

The realisation was raw and jolted Zack straight up, he needed to make sure that he was alright, he remembered the groan and the thud; the pain in his voice when he told Zack that he had to go. _Maybe he just had to get to university…_

Zack began getting dressed and he was almost about to leave to wander around Midgar State University before he noticed an unfamiliar object on his bedroom floor: a wallet. _Cloud’s wallet._

He did not mean to pry, he did not mean harm and he certainly did not mean malice – all he wanted was to find out which Sector Cloud resided in to make amendments, he owed the younger man that much; after all, he could have hurt him unknowingly. An MIC was all he needed to find in the black leather wallet, it would give him the answers he needed and put his mind at rest – he wasn’t expecting to discover that Cloud was underage and a liar.

_Cloud Strife / Twenty-One Years Old / Sector 7_

It put Zack’s mind at ease, he would go to Sector 7 and attempt to find him instead of mindlessly wandering the Midgar State University – then he noticed another MIC in the slot which the one he held belonged.

_Cloud Strife / Sixteen Years Old / Sector 7_

Zack could feel his throat tightening and his heartbeat quickening, his hands growing cold and thousands of thoughts flooding his mind prompted a temporary shutdown to his system. _This cannot be._

All Zack required in that moment was returning to his state of sleep, he needed all of this to be a bad dream.

 

He wasn’t aware of the length of time which he had been asleep for and he lost track of the number of times in which he had woken up only to realise that what happened earlier was reality and not a dream. His emotions were mangled and he could not differentiate pain from fury, each emotion fuelling his inevitable breakdown. _I could forget this…_ There was a ringing from deeper within the flat, his intercom. Zack was silently hoping that it was Cloud, but he was also dreading the idea of it being the boy at the same time, he wasn’t quite sure how he was going to react upon seeing him in the light of finding out the truth.

Inevitably, upon reaching the intercom, the voice that had been projected from downstairs was warm and it was familiar, yet it was desperate, “Zack?”.

“Yes?” his question was unnecessary – he already knew the name behind the voice, yet he wasn’t sure if he was ready for this just yet. _Am I scared?_ He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. _I’m terrified._

There were countless things that Zack wanted to say to Cloud. He wanted to tell the boy off. He needed to make him aware of the danger that he has bestowed upon the both of them. He wanted to be upset, he wanted to hurt Cloud for hurting him – but he couldn’t. His thought process was interrupted by an unexpected sound of gentle knocking to his front door. He left the door ajar to avoid coming face to face with the culprit, “come in”.

The blonde boy entered the room and Zack hated the way it felt like he has brought life back into his apartment; he hated the way in which the boy stared at the floor and fiddled his fingers. Cloud was beautiful yet Zack knew that he could not allow himself to feel that way towards the boy and he knew that it would only hurt them both. _This boy is a liar_.

“I left my wallet.”

“I know.”

“Is there something you’d like to tell me, Cloud?” Zack snapped, not missing a beat; he had to find out why Cloud did what he did. He needed answers, he was hurting and he was developing feelings for someone whom he could not have, feelings that were illegal in their own sense. He couldn’t keep his eyes off the boy and he hated himself for it. _I can’t think about him that way._

“I’m sorry, Zack. I really am.” Zack didn’t expect an apology, perhaps the boy wasn’t as heinous as he originally perceived him to be. Everyone makes mistakes, he thought to himself. _This wasn’t just a mistake. It cannot happen ever again._

“Cloud, what happened last night… it can never happen again and no one can know about this. We could both be in a lot of trouble because of your dishonesty.”

“I don’t need a lecture.” The unexpected rebuttal from the boy had taken Zack by surprise, he wasn’t expecting Cloud to have the courage to stand up to someone much older than him the way he did; it certainly didn’t please him.

“Be quiet when you’re spoken to. You – we – need to stop this: this could spell the end of my life and lead you down a path of misguidance.” Cloud’s rebuttal prompted Zack to reconsider his stance against the boy – if he wasn’t going to obey Zack and take his words into consideration like an adult, he wouldn’t treat Cloud like one.

“You know nothing about me!” and he was right. Zack did not, in fact, know anything about the blonde-haired boy standing in his living room. He didn’t say anything but sit in silence on the couch as the boy took his things from the coffee table and left, not sacrificing a beat to look at Zack even once during the daunting confrontation. The door slammed shut behind Cloud and Zack never felt so alone.

 _I want to know more about you, Cloud. You didn’t give me a chance._ “No, it’s inappropriate.” _Life goes on, and once again, I’m forced to keep holding my thoughts in my heart._


End file.
